I’m trucking along. I’m out of town visiting my mother. And I usually lose a little weight even if I don’t try when I’m at her house. That’s probably a good lesson in not keeping things I shouldn’t eat at my house. There are no chips, candy, and other temptations here!
Sigh. So here’s today’s weigh-in numbers. Notice the +. I have tracked every single bite I’ve put into my mouth since July 19th. I have not gone over my points a single week.
I’m probably eating too much fruit – lots of watermelon and grapes the past week. Seriously, though, would watermelon and grapes cause two weeks of weight gain?
Ten weeks – that makes an average of .68 lbs. per week. STILL over 1/2 pound a week. But . . . that’s so slow . . . . Sigh.
So I will repeat the usual self-reassurances: It’s a marathon, not a sprint. It’s a lifestyle change, not a diet. Look at the big picture. Back in July, you would have been thrilled to weigh what you weigh now. And repeat. Repeat. Repeat.
What can I do differently so that next Friday I will be happy with the number on the scale? Three things:
- I still haven’t been exercising, and that is something I want to make a life-long thing. This week – starting TODAY – I will exercise – aerobics and strength training. Atomic exercise habits.
- I will better manage my zero-point foods. They still have calories, and so limiting them to a few servings a day would be good. My goal is to get my body accustomed to less food. So I want to work on reducing the amount I eat – not just substituting healthier snacks.
- Drink more water.
I have voices inside my head. We all do. Mine can be quite mean! I find myself muttering things like, “That was stupid!” “Why on earth did you do that?!” “You fat slob!” I still worry and obsess at times about things I did when I was a child – a teen – a young wife and mother. I think about what I “should” have or “should not” have done or said. Guilt sometimes seems to be the leading emotion of my psyche. I’m unkinder and harsher to myself than I would ever be to anyone else.
In the past few years I’ve thought a lot about “grace” – specifically extending grace to others. However, I also want to extend grace to myself. I know I’m doing my best. I know I have struggles and areas of weakness.
At various times over the past five years I’ve gone to a therapist – Melinda. She helped me a lot. She stopped doing therapy this past winter. So I won’t be returning to her. One time several years ago she said that I seemed to lack “affect.” I wasn’t sure what she meant, and I asked her to elaborate. She said that I seemed unemotional – didn’t get excited or upset about much at all. I’m paraphrasing what she said. I imagine when I described some of the unpleasant situations of my life, I didn’t appear upset about them.
When I got home, I looked it up: “As nouns, the difference between emotion and affect is that emotion is a person’s internal state of being and involuntary physiological response to an object or situation, based on or tied to physical state and sensory data while affect is one’s mood or inclination; mental state.”
My affect: I’ve learned to do my best to keep my outward emotions in check and neutral. I don’t see that as necessarily a bad thing. It is the way I am. As a teacher, it was important not to over-react. One of the classroom management techniques I learned was that as a class got louder, if I started talking softly, everyone would strain to listen; whereas if I tried to talk above the noise, the noise tended to get louder. I was able to get the class’s attention more quickly by whispering. As excitement rose, I purposefully grew calmer (at least outwardly).
I have dealt with emotionally volatile people, and I’ve learned that it is important to do my best to stay calm and not respond emotionally since that only escalates a situation. So I work hard to keep emotions in check – to keep calm – to keep my feelings hidden. I’ve had the experience of having my words, facial expressions, and actions misinterpreted – sometimes with the worst possible intentions applied. So I have worked to keep everything neutral. That’s me – and it can be good, and it can be bad.
And perhaps that is part of the reason I’m not particularly kind to myself. With myself, I can let all the emotion out. I can say what I want to say without repercussions.
I’ve been working on being kinder to myself – treating myself with the courtesy and kindness I treat other people. I want to give myself the grace I extend to others.
So I have always had a sensitive stomach. I’d get nauseated easily, have diarrhea multiples times a day, and deal with diverticulitis a few times a year. Often after a meal, I’d need to sit or lie down to rest in order to handle the stomach issues I’d have immediately after eating – or else I’d have to rush to the bathroom. Although I have my binges and lapses, in general, I’ve never been a terrible eater. I eat mostly healthy – just way too much with lots of snacking in between meals.
Observation: Since beginning Weight Watchers again on July 19th, I have not had many of those issues. Definitely my stomach issues have calmed down to a great extent. I still have lots of snacks, but the snacks are mostly fruit. I still have to poop multiple times a day – but it’s 3-5 times a day instead of 9-10 – most of the time.
Yesterday morning, the two youngest granddaughters (who had spent the night with us) wanted to take a walk to the end of our driveway and back. I was able to easily walk with them. The big hill coming back to the house was a challenge, but I handled it okay and didn’t have to stop to rest along the way.
Food for thought. And another reason to continue with Weight Watchers.